Painted Smiles
by skylergrace
Summary: RE-EDITED! I may be putting up a front, I may appear to be brave, but I'm not. I'm struggling so I deal with the pain the only way I know how. TRIGGER: self harm. Disclaimer I do not own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does! Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

Salty tears trickled rapidly down my pale,drawn cheeks and weighed down my long, dark eyelashes. I didn't even try to fight against them as I achieved what I had so desperately desired. To feel. To have real emotions and not feel numb- zombie like even- for the first time in months. To know what its like to be a normal person whom parents could be proud of... like Al.

No! My little brother is not to blame! How could I be selfish enough to even consider that? I am the one has caused myself so much pain. Why was I such a disappointment? Maybe if I had inherited Grandma Lily's emerald eyes or (my namesake) Grandpa James' humour I would deserve for my father- the great Harry Potter- to give me that look. The look I've seen him send fondly repeatedly to Albus and Lily so many times. The look I know so well but have never received. The look of... pride.

A stab of guilt washed over me so I picked up the blood-encrusted blade that once belonged in my favourite razor. I used to belong in my family. Before when I was pulling pranks with Freddie at Hogwarts or playing Quidditch with Teddy. But that person left a long time ago: in his place an empty shell that doesn't even recognise themselves anymore. So I do the only thing that I know to stop these thoughts and drag the rugged, silver blade across the snowy surface of my arm.

I gasp as a stream of scarlet flows down my arm as the blade is etching across more of my skin. Smiling sightly, I feel strangely calm and peaceful as every bit of poison and despair within in me is now escaping futher down my wrist and reaching my elbow.

Pulling down my grey jumper sleeve, I watch as my blood seeps though the material and creates a small, permanent, ruby, red stain. Permanent. Just like the delicate web of pain that will forever more scar my skin. I laugh at the thought, but now it is time to face reality.

After briefly splashing my face with icy cold water from the bathroom sink, I vaguely feel the painful sensation on my wrist. However believable my excuse for my absence will be, that feeling would remind me otherwise. I am not ok.

Glancing in the mirror, I then gingerly practiced a faux-smile to mask the fact on the inside I was falling apart. Hiding the blade in the pocket of my dressing gown Thung on the bathroom door), I silently pray that nobody will see through just another of my painted smiles.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: hey guys! the first chapter isn't my finest piece of work *looks away ashamed* but I really love this idea so I am going to continue with it. As this is my first ever fanfiction, reviews would be amazing! Constructive criticism is very welcome but please be nice :) thanks for reading! :D**

**Harry's POV **

'Kids dinners ready!' I hear my beautiful wife Ginny shout up the stairs as she rushes past my seat at the kitchen table (whilst I was currently reading the evening edition of the Prophet) . She is a one woman hurricane as she ferociously finishes piling food onto each of our childrens plates and glares at me. Catching the hint extremely quickly, I rush to help her as my precious baby girl bursts into the room.

Lily is covered in a sticky, green substance as she rapidly explains to her mother and I all about her latest experiment. She certainly inherited her Grandmother's talent for potions. Smiling at this thought, I glance up to notice that my two sons- James and Al- had also entered the room. Greeting me warmly, the younger of the two came and sat opposite me wearing a blue shirt similar to the one I was wearing. It was things like this that reminded me how similar we both were: not just in looks, but in personalities too. We shared a similar style and also had similar interests, which may be why- out of all of my children- I perhaps have the stongest bond with him.

However to be honest, it's not exactly like my relationship with James was much to compete with. Sighing as my eldest son hesitantly took a seat next to me, I watched as he pulled his hand through his short, dark, brown hair with a strained expression on his face. I knew how he felt. This awkwardness between us never used to be there.

Once upon a time, James used to be full of energy and laughter; alongside his partner in crime, his cousin, Freddie, he terrorised Hogwarts by pulling off some truly spectacular pranks. But then last year (his fifth year at Hogwarts) the James I loved and knew so well was gone. I watched as he became more reserved as he drew futher and futher into himself. Gone were the countless letters from Hogwarts containg details of James' latest escapades and in their places, long letters of concern about his uncharacteristic behaviour and grades.

If only I had not let the father-son relationship between us break down! Maybe then he would actualy talking to me instead of picking at his dinner whilst trying to avoid contact with anyone.

But then I noticed it. There on the cuff of James' grey jumper was a scarlet stain that was instantly recognisable as... blood.

Isn't it funny how one brief observation out of the corner of my eye could change our whole lives? With that one glance, I did something that I had been wanting to do properly for a year. I spoke to my son.

"James... what is that on your sleeve?"

Excusing themselves quickly from the table due to the serious tone in my voice, Al and Lily quicky stared wide-eyed at me before leaving the room and I watched as James' pale face grew even paler. He peered across at me with huge chocolate eyes (so much like his mothers) and opened his mouth before closing it again. He looked absoloutely petrifiied as he tried to remove his arm from the table.

But I grabbed it. James then desperately tried to pull his wrist free from my vice like grip- wincing slightly as he did so- before begining to plead... no beg for me to let go. I didn't. Instead I pulled up his sleeve to reveal a large collection of new cuts and scars.

**A/N and that is where I am going to leave this chapter... yes I know I am evil. The more reviews I get the quicker the next chapter will be up! Disclaimer: unfortunately, I do not own Harry Potter- it belongs to the Queen that is JK Rowling :) Until the next chapter guys! Thanks again for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N** Hey guys! :) To make up for the cliff hanger ending, I have used ****two**** povs- Harry and James- for you lucky people. A big thank you to those lovely people who have favourited my story! Please review and thanks for reading. Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.**

** Harry's POV**

Is it possible for hearts to break? To rip into so many tiny pieces that it would be impossible to ever repair? Every cut, every scar that lay on James' skin felt like a fragment of my heart had been broken. I had failed him. After what felt like a age, my son spoke.

"Dad... I'm... I'm so sorry, please... please don't hate me!" And with that one sentence, the remaider of my heart disintergrated into ash within me. As he spoke, his voice broke on the last word; tears broke free from the confiment of James' eyes, where I suspected they had been hidden for along time. How could James even think that I would him? I don't think that it is possible for me to hate any of my children. Out of all of the questions racing through my mind, the one I needed an answer to was this: what had brought him to this? He had always been so happy. My precious, precious child was hurting so bad and I hadn't even noticed.

Whipping my head around, I jumped at the sudden sounds of my wife's broken sobs- that had joined James'- echoing around the room. Ginny... I had forgotten that she was even there; God only knows how she must be coping with this devastating revelation. But she was strong- that is why I married her after all- as she had fought for me, and now we would both fight together for James.

Ginny stood suddenly from where she had been sitting and pulled James into the fiercest hug I had ever seen. Muttering to him that everything was going to be alright, she glanced up at me with pain in her eyes. They told a different story to the soothing words she was comforting James with: how could we make everything alright for him?

I had kissed every grazed knee, chased away every bad dream and monster, but I couldn't save him from himself. I had failed him and I had no idea how to fix it.

James POV

They knew. They knew and I know that they will hate me for it. Even though Mum was hugging me tightly, I knew that deep down she was wishing for a normal child- one that wasn't fucked up like me. However, at least she was trying to comfort me, whereas Dad just stands there and for the first time in my life, those emerald green eyes lost their sparkle.

He would blame me forever. I had brought nothing but pain and misery to this family and now I was surely confirming both of our thoughts- I am a complete and utter failure. Every cut or scar on my arm was a little fraction of the pain I was feeling on the inside. Dad always promised us that he would never let anything hurt us, but now he just stands there holding my wrist whilst my mother cried into my shoulder.

But then our eyes met and the tears continued to flow, but more freely now, and I slid to the floor, allowing myself to confront the pain in my heart that for so long now, I had been trying to run away from. Some Gryffindor I was. I must have looked as pathetic as I felt as I lay across the floor, pouring my heart out. All the while my parents just stood there helplessly.

Without warning, a pair of strong, warm hands scooped me up and pulled me close. For the first time since I can remember, I was hugging my Dad.


	4. Chapter 4

InIHowHoIKJk rowling owns harry potter, not m

Chapter 4: harry's pov

Eventually James fell asleep in my arms and I continued rocking him, still sat in the same position on the cold, hard floor. Peering down at James' face I couldn't help but see how vulnerable he was. Maybe if I had spent more time with him... maybe if I had hugged him to sleep more often, then I would see the glimmer of fragile innocence drawn across my precious son's face that had now appeared. Maybe I could have saved him...

*flashback*

'Dad!' my youngest son cried whilst running towards me sobbing mercilessly.

'James took my toy...'

'Actually' James interrupted 'Aunt Hermione bought it for both of us to share! And anyway Albus you weren't even playing with it!'

I sighed loudly. After a long day in he Auror office (trudging through endless mountains of boring paperwork), the last thing that I wanted to do was deal with the breakout of World War 3. So I took the miniature Hungarian Horntail model from James' struggling and gave it to Albus knowing how much of a similarity there was between James and both of his namesakes, I wuld bet my Firebolt that Albus' version of events was most likely to be true.

However, the look of betrayal that spread across my eldest son's face as Al ran cheerfully from the room, made me doubt my decision. What if James was telling the truth and he hadn't taken the toy from Albus? No... James was just sulking as he didn't get his own way, so why did I feel so guilty?

*end of flashback*

It may have been nearly ten years ago, but I still can't get the look on James' face. I thought that look was the worst look a parent could: I was wrong. The look in the kitchen James had before he began to cry, the one where his eyes looked so... lost. I would never let that appear across my beautiful son's features again and that was a vow that I would forever make unbreakable.


End file.
